Inche Habuk Sila Blah Boleh?

salam alaik...
at this point in time, i was like banyak gila nak cakap, tapi malas gila nak tulis type.. boleh ke macam tu? haha. pon bolee..

in middle of nothingness. rasa macam hidup tak lengkap. perlukan sesuatu untuk melengkapkan hidup. and nope. saya tak maksudkan sebarang jenis makhluk hidup yang berlainan jantina disini. sila jangan silap faham.

semalam buat keje buang tebiat. kemas bilik. oke tu takdelah buag tebiat sangat. kemas bilik start asar sampai isya'. oke saya rehat lah kejap time solat. pastu sambung balik. macam orang tak betul ni bila mood tak tentu hala tu datang. nak kemas pakaian je sebenarnya petang tu. lipat punya lipat. siap lipat rasa tak best. nak buat lagi. (oke ni dah masuk part buang tebiat). okeyh buang sume baju adik saya(currently at uitm penang) bawah turun kat laci paling kecik... wahaha~ *gelak evil. ye la. selama duk KMB die conquer bilik ni, sume baju saya dalam laci kecik je. duhh. lemah semangat.

lipat-lipat baju adik. then ruang besar saya punya lah kan? nak bagik sapa lagi. nak menginap 3 bulan kot kat rumah. i need some space. haha. *gaya xleh blah. okeh. almari setel. aduss. berdebu lah plak bila dah kemas pakaian dalam wardrobe neh. hurm. pikir-pikir.

okeh. time for some sapuan. 'sapu'an. betul la kot grammar saya. kalau tak betul pun kira lepas lah. informal writing kan?(mesti ticer raieda xkan baca bebelan nih. haha.) nak sapu, mesti sapu bawah katil sekali kan? okeh selak cadar slow2. tiba-tiba...

wargh!!!!

okeh. bukan ada pape pon. bajet nak buat citer seram malam-malam ni?

yang ada hanyalah debu-debu yang konpem tak boleh nak diguna untuk tayamum and beberapa sampah-sarap yang bergelimpangan(okeh gambaran yang ter'over'). garu kepala. apa nak buat neh. nak carik penyapu. nak carik penyapu.

there u are. berkilat lagi. baru beli kat penang.(i was like_ hape la banyak2 tempat, kat penang jugak nak beli penyapu). takpelah. dan bermulalah episod bersin bersiri dari petang sampai malam. sempat jugak alih posisi katil bersaiz permaisuri dalam bilik ini. dah semakin besar nampaknya bilik ini.

oke tambah ke'buangtebiat'an lagi, boleh pulak ni nak mop bilik malam-malam buta. Ya Allah. mama memang geleng kepala tengok anak jantan mop bilik malam-malam buta. oke. the kepelikan increases when, masa tengah mop tu... abah tegur,

"hang pi mop lantai guna sabun apa?(hanya accent random, abah saya cakap kelantan lah)"

"err... sabun biru sebelah bilik ayaq," aku jawab dengan wajah selamba badak

"kah333!!!" abahku ketawa xde irama

"awatnya?"

"yang hang pi amik sabun pencuci tandas buat apa?! amik la sabun cuci lantai!"

i was like.... mak oi patutlah bilik aku harum semerbak je...

hadoi.. and that was it. memang habis kena gelak je lah semalam. nasib baik. dan sangat bernasib baik baru satu tarikan sapuan ke kiri mop yang dibuat(kalau anda biasa mop rumah, anda akan faham maksud saya). then pergi lah balik ke bilik air, tukar sabun.. urgh.. sungguh memalukan.

tapi tulah. kita belajar dari kesilapan kan. ingat bau sabun wangi boleh guna untuk semua tempat ke? haha. tak pernah rasa tak pernah tahu kan?

dan begitulah penyucian bilik yang berlangsung. sekarang bilik dah cun, boleh lepak dengan senang hati. nak buat benda2 personal pon okeyh jer, xde org kacau. hoyeah! (oke, sila fikir guna hati yang bersih dan beriman)

ibrahnya? lorh, ye la. xkan main cite je benda2 kosong takde manfaat macam di atas? apa guna tulis blog bro kalau input tak bermanfaat untuk org lain or at least untuk diri sendiri. tak buang masa ke? haha.

okeyh first sekali. aku sedar, yang kadangkala, kita perlukan perubahan yang visible dalam hidup kita. perubahan posisi katil bersaiz permaisuri dalam bilik ni dah sedikit sebanyak membuka ruang untuk aku sediakan tempat nak solat. sebelum ini, solat kat luar bilik, or bersempit di celahan katil dan almari. oh sungguh tidak selesa. perubahan yang visible ini kadangkala boleh bagik kita ruang untuk kita baiki diri. perbetulkan skru2 yang dah longgar dan adjust sket2 apa2 yang patut. di analogikan daripada susun atur yang baru dalam bilik.

now i got ruang bersolek(bersolek ni...>_<) depan almari yang agak luas. boleh posing2 lagi. and i got about 40% of my room's space for solat and benda2 lain. memang kosong lah. katil dah saiz queen. so, kalau korang datang rumah aku, memang aku boleh gerenti bilik aku lah yang paling best untuk dijadikan port lepak. haha~ (gaya kerek). sama gak dengan masa kita dalam hidup. jika disusun aturkan seefektif mungkin, anda akan dapat ruang kosong yang banyak lagi melimpah ruah. setelah sampah2 dalam bilik(jahiliyah dalam diri) dicampak ke dalam tong sampah yang comel di hadapan rumah, pastilah bilik(ruang dalam hati) akan lebih bersih bukan?

dan lagi, saya sudah buang debu2 dalam bilik. bermakna habuk2 pasti sudah tiada. maka? maka tamatlah drama bersiri berjudul bersin itu. haha. itu pun susah nak figure out kah? anda ni.. namun, habuk-habuk itu pasti akan datang lagi bukan? konfirm lah. mustahil lah kalau mereka tak ingin membalas dendam terhadap saya ini. pasti seluruh anak pinak akan dibawa bersama untuk menyerang bilik ini nanti. habislah saya! oh tidak semudah itu, inche habuk. saya ada penyapu baru made from penang oke. anda ingat saya ingin membiarkan anda mengetuk pintu bilik saya dan masuk dengan tenang. haha. mustahil! begitulah juga dengan hidup kita yang bermujahadah ini, nak tak nak, kita kena top-up iman lah selalu lah bro, senang citer. caranya? nah amik mutabaah amal(er, anda boleh carik di mana2 kedai runcit yang berhampiran) mujahadahlah untuk penuhi mutabaah amal anda. sebabnya? haish.. anda mahu inche habuk menyelinap masuk dengan bangganya kah?

saya rasa setakat itu sahaja karutan pada malam ini. tidak mampu tidur sebenarnya. niat di hati ingin mengarut mengenai subjek di KMB esok. tapi tengoklah. masa saya tak banyak sangat. malah sama saja dengan kamu semua. kat rumah dah jadi chef tak berbayar. tadi masak nasi ayam. minggu lepas ayam black pepper. saya mahu belajar masak nasi kerabu pula lah. anda mahu? jom, datang rumah saya makan!haha

[kredit] oke. ni sumpah bukan bilik aku.

selamat malam Mr Blog. salam alaik.

Kepala Besar!

salam alaik...
terasa lama tidak mengepost walaupun baru dua-tiga hari... haha

saya baru pulang dari jalan-jalan pusing semenanjung dengan femili. huh. sungguh memberikan tekanan jiwa dan perasaan sekali. apa tidaknya. dari kelantan, singgah di Cameron beli jagung rebus(what the?) sahaja. i repeat, pusing jalan yang macam ular kena palu tu bagai nak tercabut kepala lutut just for a bite of jagung rebus.. well. that's my mom for you.. ahaha.

then, turun lagi(eh, ke naik?) ke Ipoh(Ipoh malii~~) amik kakak di what they call Tronoh. alah, dekat dengan UTP 2... haa, taw xpe.. and from there, abah cakap, "sape nak bawak?"

saya macam... err... *fingers up...(masih lagi dengan muka malu2 kucem).. okeh sungguh tak leh blah... abah baling kunci... sambut.. what is this feeling... TT_TT

haha... jika anda sudah mula rasa boring dengan celoteh saya.. sila pangkah butang merah di hujung belah kanan segera sebelum saya masuk mode dramatik habess~ wahaha. oke siyes.

bila abah bagik kunci unser tu.(kunci unser manual oke. bukan kancil kecik mahupun myvi auto yang diparkir di depan rumah sekarang) ada rasa lain. haha. it was like. i have grown up. haha. gila bajet bunyik nyer. but that's the word. i have grown up. fulsetop.

ye la. sumer org grow up right. and undoubtedly in their own unique way. ada yang dianggap dah besar bila dorang dah kawen(erk.. maaf ini bukan post pasal bm). ada yang dianggap besar bila dah start keje(well, dah ada duit sendiri kan?). in the case of my family, kebanyakan kitorang tinggal jauh dari keluarga(i mean kat hostel), so rata2 memang boleh hidup sendiri, tanpa rasa homesick. boleh berdikari(beli kari makan sendirik, bak kata piee dlam mami jarum). kira dah besar la tu. tapi ultimate point bagi saya sendiri personally is when abah bagik bawak kereta jalan jauh(kalau takat pulas stereng dalam garaj rumah sepupu sy yg 3 tahun 2 pon selalu buat). rasa macam dah besar. ye la. umur pon dah nak masuk 20 lagik 5 bulan. haish lama lagi tu..

tapi tu la... rasa dah besar kan..

tak riak ke 2? erk. eak?

what's the point of me telling all these here. just another story of me. haha. well, i have some time to kill right know. but wait, there's a reason.

okay kita tengok diri sendiri. tanya diri sendiri, bila masa yang kita rasa kita dah cukup besar? i mean 'besar' metaphorically, bukan 'besaq' size... kalau besaq size, sy memang xkan mencapai maturity lah.. hadoi... oke kembali. melalut je. bila agaknya? haha. banyak jawapan kan.. yup, it depends on how u see yourselves.. tak gitu?

something to ponder upon. pagi tadi baru saja habiskan UsKab wilayah kelantandi masjid biru kubang kerian. tadabbur surah al-hadid atau surah besi... kemudian ustaz arif belanja makan(wahaha~ *gosok tapak tangan) dalam pada duk menunggu habisnya tazkirah ustaz arep yang dah membuatkan perut ini pasang lagu Ngajat Tampi(memang x khusyuk habis lah ni, mana xnya, pergi uskab x breakfast... hadoii..), terdengar sepotong bait yang dalam dari bibir ustaz.

jika saudara NcR dan Inche G pernah kata Tarbiyah itu mujahadah, ustaz arep punyai ayat yang sumpah osem di telinga saya. di dalam separa kekhusyukan itu, terakam juga kata-katanya,

"tarbiyah itu is when you push yourself to perfection"

wah. ingat nak kagum dah ustaz cakap omputeh. tapi my mind struck me by force to ponder upon that quote.

"tarbiyah itu is when you push yourself to perfection"

smash! straight ke dalam jantung. pedih ulu hati. nak carik gaviscon. nak carik gaviscon. eh.

sehingga ke hari ini. sudah hampir dua tahun ter'jerat' oleh bekas murabbi, Am, dalam kancah DnT ini. sehingga ke hari ini. sudah berapa jauh saya menolak diri ini kearah perfection. atau masihkah di takuk lama juga. sama saja seperti permulaan dahulu. atau nauzubillahmin zalik. mungkinkah diri ini makin teruk?

rasa diri ini sudah cukup 'besar' bila mampu bawa kereta dari Ipoh ke Penang? fikirkan kembali. haha~

selalu saja kita selaku orang yang ditarbiyah 'perasan'. bak kata orang muda, "syok sendiri". haha~ muda lagi, 'bajet bagus'. ye la. apa tidaknya. kita dah lalui segala mak nenek jenis pengisian hingga kalau nak list nama pengisian pun mungkin dah tak tertulis. kita dah tempuh bermacam-macam mehnah dan karenah dengan usrahmate, anak usrah, murabbi malah mungkin dari rakan-rakan sebaya.

tak cukup besarkah kita? okey. apa lagi. kita dah anjurkan segala jenis perogeram untuk hadek2 dan jugak untuk kawan2 untuk bagik dorang lebih kefahaman tentang deen ini. tentang fikrah ini. tentang matlamat hidup ini. dan kadangkala bila kita tengok orang lain dari kita, tak kira la dari segi fikrah ke, pandangan politik ke, ideologi ke, kita mula besar kepala. ego tak tentu hala. hai? tak cukup besarkah?

besarnya kepala kita. eh. kepala saya. maaf. anda mungkin x terlibat langsung dalam hal size kepala ini.

apabila di tanya, "semenjak anda mengikuti tarbiyah, sudah sejauh mana anda berubah?" ketika daurah wada' tempoh hari, saya jadi kelu. tak tahu. saya dah berubah? haha. funny. orang berubah punyalah mata ni cekap menangkap. hingga riak muka Encik K yang berubah pon saya boleh baca, inikan pula perubahan sikap orang yang kita hadap tiap2 hari...

ya. mungkin saya lebih faham tentang fikrah ini. memahami deen ini lebih dari saya dua tahun lepas. namun sekadar memahami hakikat itu, sudah berubahkah saya. atau lebih tepat lagi, sudah 'besar'kah saya?

bagus juga bila ada yang memerhatikan kita. namun tidak semua ikhwah seperti saya. kerja usha orang saja. well, i'm very observant. err.. saya usha lelaki sahaja ya. (sila jangan kotorkan minda anda) jadi kadangkala rasa stress bila hendak menilik diri.. sudah berubahkah aku? inikah perubahan? inikah perubahan ke arah yang lebih baik? ye la. mana tahu, saya berubah ke arah lebih hipokrit.(nauzubillah)

kadangkala rasa takut. kadangkala rasa was-was. inikah perubahan? kerana saya tidak merasakan diri ini terubah. atau itu hanya mainan minda sahaja. wallahu alam. semoga perubahan ini(jika saya memang undergoes perubahan lah kan?) kekal dan jika saya tidak berubah pun sebenarnya, doakan saya agar cepat berubah. saya tidak mahu ketinggalan. ikhwah saya sudah banyak berubah. saya mahu jadi seperti mereka. saya juga mahu jadi 'besar'. aman.(mode: rindu ikhwah KMB TT_TT)

nite Mr Blog.

p/s: baru sahaja menghabiskan Hlovate's contengan jalanan. mode saya masih berfalsafah mengenai perubahan dalam perjalanan carik Tuhan.

kredit

Tears Ceremony a.k.a majlis Air Mata

salam alaik.

i am finally home after a sweet drive from KL-Cameron-Kelantan.
sigh. and for the first time, me driving for that long distance.

"how does it feel?"my jealous sister asked me.

"hurm. biase je kot," is my answer.

up on the highland, as i watched more and more people taking pictures of everyone and everything. the trees and the bees. the kids and the berries. i stumbled upon my dreams. of having my own dslr. hah. silly enough. i wonder whether that time will come or not. well. if its passion that i'm considering. without a doubt, it will be much more easier. but. yup. the fluidity of finance flows like the water in the river. to be exact. waterfall. never stopped flowing down. and yet. the above are still flowing down. its Him who gives.

i can't feel much being at home. it is almost like the world itself is my own home. my ikhwah alone is my family at heart. and joy conference have nothing in difference. before i went home, i kill some time with my ikhwah(baca: sedara) for the final joy conference(quoted from inche g) where officially, i let my kids go. oh my god. i don't really know that feeling at that point of time. don't ask me.

my kids? hell yeah. i got kids. 5 of them. haha. i mean, 'kids'. my first kids. where i go through all the troubles to df(read: befriend) them. where i spent some parts of my scholarship money to feed them(macam ayam ni nak kena bagik makan). and where i spent a lil' bit of my time to literally 'talk' to them. yeah. it is a painful experience. having children. one is as annoying as ever. one is like a 'catterpiller' i've never met before. one is too macho to even smile. one is like a veteran ulama'(at least more veteran than me). one is err... too otaku to be true. haha. but that's the best part of them that taught me a lot about life.

 i grew up as an abi. with no wife. what? i'm a single parent? haha. you can say so. rebuilding 19 years old kids is not an easy job. u have to handle the stress. u have to cope with the absenteeism(now i sound like economics students). u have to cope with their fights. sometimes i can just bear with it. but sometimes i do shout to stop them. especially the annoying and the otaku one. i am brave enough to post it here since i believe that they won't read my blog. and if you guys just happened to found it. haha. bear with it. you know me well right? as straight-forward as ever.

i wish that i can always see u guys. no matter where u guys are. no matter what u guys do. i will always be your murabbi. yeah. i may not be the best murabbi in KMB. but again. just bear with it. i am out already. keep going strong. survive IB, and you'll survive anything.

well, it is an extremely-sad moment(i am not doing any hyperbola here) to be there. at the Majlis Air Mata(Tears Ceremony?) haha. thinking that i am the first person to start crying and make others cry with me. i am proud to say that i have done my job well. haha. what? it is the last joy conference! it should be sad. if others are too macho to shed tears. allow me to take the honour. and sorry guys, the cry-baby stage is mine. haha.

i may look strong outside. with the terrorist-look face(what? my passport photo proves that) and the cynical sharp straight-forward words jumping out from my mouth. but i am as soft as... err... nothing i've ever see when it involves separation. yeah. it might be okay to feel free as you release your responsibilities to your kids seeing them growing to the you one year ago. but it might no be the same as each and everyone of u. my soft(soft? *puke) heart can't stand that. i thought that i can actually survive that afternoon TC when i let Ammar ibn Adnan handle the ceremony when i am actually the camp commander. but i made a wrong calculation there. i can't stand the pressure. not strong enough.

i started my words with the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. giving salaam for an introductory. then i started my first paragraph of speech. i apologize everyone for i can't handle separation. because i hate them. and then suddenly. wait. what the heck is flowing out?! i tried to speak. but i can't. my jaw shivers as i tried to speak. i took a deep breath to cool myself.(wait? i'm already cool) i let my breath go away. move my lups. and there it goes again. i can't possibly speak.... well.. i am bounded to not to write anymore. all my speeches and others thoughts are for that moment and for those people only. hell yeah. its a secret. haha.

and till then. will keep menconteng dinding blig dengan rapuan di malam hari. kamoo! doakan saya agar terus tsabat. amin. saya doakan kamoo juga. amin.

sekian report dari che cardio yang x leh nak tido malam. selamat malam dunia. 

regenerate?

salam alaik.
"it is as it is"
a good answer to those who ask, "how's the paper?" when i don't really know the real answer for that. well, it doesn't really matter. i'm done with it already. currently crossing fingers, hoping to pass the points. i'm putting a high hopes as inche gabbana once said, "nak beli barang cap ayam?" which metaphorically means, muslims don't simply live up to the expectations, they go beyond that.
heh.

when some people asked me, " how's the feeling of being free?"

i answered,"nothing." hell yeah.

nothingness has build up in me. showing nothing except for nothingness. the days have become like any other days, meeting, readings, exercising, all-in-one. except for books and papers. i've put them out of my room already. it is not that i hate them that much, but. it is just for the sake of doing it. really reluctant to throw up some useless things. for a good memory perhaps? who knows.

tomorrow, there will a grand dinner. mrs Rosmaria, my lovely tok teacher said, "aren't you going to 'gardenner' tonight?" "garden-what?"

"yeah. Garden+dinner. gardenner?"

well. that does make me smile. at least for the day. i just wanna keep these days for memories. but it is not for me put the stone on my head thinking about the past. because i prefer the future. a doctor? maybe. a lecturer? perhaps. a da'ie. definitely.

currently restructuring my career planning to suit it with my current understanding of life. and yup, IB does more than give me hellish experience of no-sleep, brain-cracking moments of TOK, another no-sleep memory of mathport and bms ia. IB brought me to understand the world through my lens. it brought me to see what can't be seen. heard what can't be heard. and of course. see the world in the most lens i've ever made. the lens of Islam.

yeah. call me jumud, budak surau, budak usrah, geng naim, or whatsoever. who the hell cares? i love my ikhwah as well as i love myself as they are no other than a part of me. i'll be missing them. hearing the phrase, "kalau kita tak jumpa lagi, insyaallah, kita jumpa kat syurga", i know i have to keep surviving in this way. the hard way. but the most blessed. yeah. i will not be famous. i will not be rich. i will not be what i actually wanted to be. but i am a growing man. and i live by my principle. and my principle is what made me up as well as how i made up my priciple.

changes is good. if it is for greater good. and the best changes that i've ever have in my life. is the life of tarbiyah. thank you Allah, for giving me this fortune, for i shall treasure them as long as i am here. let me die with the state of loving Your way, as i too, am the weak of all.

with that. i declare that i am a free man. and an active blogger once again. insyaallah.

5 papers till freedom

5 more papers until i am free from IB. and what the heck am i doing here? nothing. just some expressions so that i would not forget the feelings of waiting upon the completion of IB Diploma course. a pain worth taking for. a decision beyond the regrets. a step into the way. full-time blogger after IB? we'll see. 3 months. a time long enough. for some tazkeerah and a short story maybe. who knows.