Monday, May 28

Tears Ceremony a.k.a majlis Air Mata

salam alaik.

i am finally home after a sweet drive from KL-Cameron-Kelantan.
sigh. and for the first time, me driving for that long distance.

"how does it feel?"my jealous sister asked me.

"hurm. biase je kot," is my answer.

up on the highland, as i watched more and more people taking pictures of everyone and everything. the trees and the bees. the kids and the berries. i stumbled upon my dreams. of having my own dslr. hah. silly enough. i wonder whether that time will come or not. well. if its passion that i'm considering. without a doubt, it will be much more easier. but. yup. the fluidity of finance flows like the water in the river. to be exact. waterfall. never stopped flowing down. and yet. the above are still flowing down. its Him who gives.

i can't feel much being at home. it is almost like the world itself is my own home. my ikhwah alone is my family at heart. and joy conference have nothing in difference. before i went home, i kill some time with my ikhwah(baca: sedara) for the final joy conference(quoted from inche g) where officially, i let my kids go. oh my god. i don't really know that feeling at that point of time. don't ask me.

my kids? hell yeah. i got kids. 5 of them. haha. i mean, 'kids'. my first kids. where i go through all the troubles to df(read: befriend) them. where i spent some parts of my scholarship money to feed them(macam ayam ni nak kena bagik makan). and where i spent a lil' bit of my time to literally 'talk' to them. yeah. it is a painful experience. having children. one is as annoying as ever. one is like a 'catterpiller' i've never met before. one is too macho to even smile. one is like a veteran ulama'(at least more veteran than me). one is err... too otaku to be true. haha. but that's the best part of them that taught me a lot about life.

 i grew up as an abi. with no wife. what? i'm a single parent? haha. you can say so. rebuilding 19 years old kids is not an easy job. u have to handle the stress. u have to cope with the absenteeism(now i sound like economics students). u have to cope with their fights. sometimes i can just bear with it. but sometimes i do shout to stop them. especially the annoying and the otaku one. i am brave enough to post it here since i believe that they won't read my blog. and if you guys just happened to found it. haha. bear with it. you know me well right? as straight-forward as ever.

i wish that i can always see u guys. no matter where u guys are. no matter what u guys do. i will always be your murabbi. yeah. i may not be the best murabbi in KMB. but again. just bear with it. i am out already. keep going strong. survive IB, and you'll survive anything.

well, it is an extremely-sad moment(i am not doing any hyperbola here) to be there. at the Majlis Air Mata(Tears Ceremony?) haha. thinking that i am the first person to start crying and make others cry with me. i am proud to say that i have done my job well. haha. what? it is the last joy conference! it should be sad. if others are too macho to shed tears. allow me to take the honour. and sorry guys, the cry-baby stage is mine. haha.

i may look strong outside. with the terrorist-look face(what? my passport photo proves that) and the cynical sharp straight-forward words jumping out from my mouth. but i am as soft as... err... nothing i've ever see when it involves separation. yeah. it might be okay to feel free as you release your responsibilities to your kids seeing them growing to the you one year ago. but it might no be the same as each and everyone of u. my soft(soft? *puke) heart can't stand that. i thought that i can actually survive that afternoon TC when i let Ammar ibn Adnan handle the ceremony when i am actually the camp commander. but i made a wrong calculation there. i can't stand the pressure. not strong enough.

i started my words with the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. giving salaam for an introductory. then i started my first paragraph of speech. i apologize everyone for i can't handle separation. because i hate them. and then suddenly. wait. what the heck is flowing out?! i tried to speak. but i can't. my jaw shivers as i tried to speak. i took a deep breath to cool myself.(wait? i'm already cool) i let my breath go away. move my lups. and there it goes again. i can't possibly speak.... well.. i am bounded to not to write anymore. all my speeches and others thoughts are for that moment and for those people only. hell yeah. its a secret. haha.

and till then. will keep menconteng dinding blig dengan rapuan di malam hari. kamoo! doakan saya agar terus tsabat. amin. saya doakan kamoo juga. amin.

sekian report dari che cardio yang x leh nak tido malam. selamat malam dunia. 

Monday, May 21


salam alaik.
"it is as it is"
a good answer to those who ask, "how's the paper?" when i don't really know the real answer for that. well, it doesn't really matter. i'm done with it already. currently crossing fingers, hoping to pass the points. i'm putting a high hopes as inche gabbana once said, "nak beli barang cap ayam?" which metaphorically means, muslims don't simply live up to the expectations, they go beyond that.

when some people asked me, " how's the feeling of being free?"

i answered,"nothing." hell yeah.

nothingness has build up in me. showing nothing except for nothingness. the days have become like any other days, meeting, readings, exercising, all-in-one. except for books and papers. i've put them out of my room already. it is not that i hate them that much, but. it is just for the sake of doing it. really reluctant to throw up some useless things. for a good memory perhaps? who knows.

tomorrow, there will a grand dinner. mrs Rosmaria, my lovely tok teacher said, "aren't you going to 'gardenner' tonight?" "garden-what?"

"yeah. Garden+dinner. gardenner?"

well. that does make me smile. at least for the day. i just wanna keep these days for memories. but it is not for me put the stone on my head thinking about the past. because i prefer the future. a doctor? maybe. a lecturer? perhaps. a da'ie. definitely.

currently restructuring my career planning to suit it with my current understanding of life. and yup, IB does more than give me hellish experience of no-sleep, brain-cracking moments of TOK, another no-sleep memory of mathport and bms ia. IB brought me to understand the world through my lens. it brought me to see what can't be seen. heard what can't be heard. and of course. see the world in the most lens i've ever made. the lens of Islam.

yeah. call me jumud, budak surau, budak usrah, geng naim, or whatsoever. who the hell cares? i love my ikhwah as well as i love myself as they are no other than a part of me. i'll be missing them. hearing the phrase, "kalau kita tak jumpa lagi, insyaallah, kita jumpa kat syurga", i know i have to keep surviving in this way. the hard way. but the most blessed. yeah. i will not be famous. i will not be rich. i will not be what i actually wanted to be. but i am a growing man. and i live by my principle. and my principle is what made me up as well as how i made up my priciple.

changes is good. if it is for greater good. and the best changes that i've ever have in my life. is the life of tarbiyah. thank you Allah, for giving me this fortune, for i shall treasure them as long as i am here. let me die with the state of loving Your way, as i too, am the weak of all.

with that. i declare that i am a free man. and an active blogger once again. insyaallah.

Monday, May 14

5 papers till freedom

5 more papers until i am free from IB. and what the heck am i doing here? nothing. just some expressions so that i would not forget the feelings of waiting upon the completion of IB Diploma course. a pain worth taking for. a decision beyond the regrets. a step into the way. full-time blogger after IB? we'll see. 3 months. a time long enough. for some tazkeerah and a short story maybe. who knows.