i am finally home after a sweet drive from KL-Cameron-Kelantan.
sigh. and for the first time, me driving for that long distance.
"how does it feel?"my jealous sister asked me.
"hurm. biase je kot," is my answer.
up on the highland, as i watched more and more people taking pictures of everyone and everything. the trees and the bees. the kids and the berries. i stumbled upon my dreams. of having my own dslr. hah. silly enough. i wonder whether that time will come or not. well. if its passion that i'm considering. without a doubt, it will be much more easier. but. yup. the fluidity of finance flows like the water in the river. to be exact. waterfall. never stopped flowing down. and yet. the above are still flowing down. its Him who gives.
i can't feel much being at home. it is almost like the world itself is my own home. my ikhwah alone is my family at heart. and joy conference have nothing in difference. before i went home, i kill some time with my ikhwah(baca: sedara) for the final joy conference(quoted from inche g) where officially, i let my kids go. oh my god. i don't really know that feeling at that point of time. don't ask me.
my kids? hell yeah. i got kids. 5 of them. haha. i mean, 'kids'. my first kids. where i go through all the troubles to df(read: befriend) them. where i spent some parts of my scholarship money to feed them(macam ayam ni nak kena bagik makan). and where i spent a lil' bit of my time to literally 'talk' to them. yeah. it is a painful experience. having children. one is as annoying as ever. one is like a 'catterpiller' i've never met before. one is too macho to even smile. one is like a veteran ulama'(at least more veteran than me). one is err... too otaku to be true. haha. but that's the best part of them that taught me a lot about life.
i grew up as an abi. with no wife. what? i'm a single parent? haha. you can say so. rebuilding 19 years old kids is not an easy job. u have to handle the stress. u have to cope with the absenteeism(now i sound like economics students). u have to cope with their fights. sometimes i can just bear with it. but sometimes i do shout to stop them. especially the annoying and the otaku one. i am brave enough to post it here since i believe that they won't read my blog. and if you guys just happened to found it. haha. bear with it. you know me well right? as straight-forward as ever.
i wish that i can always see u guys. no matter where u guys are. no matter what u guys do. i will always be your murabbi. yeah. i may not be the best murabbi in KMB. but again. just bear with it. i am out already. keep going strong. survive IB, and you'll survive anything.
well, it is an extremely-sad moment(i am not doing any hyperbola here) to be there. at the Majlis Air Mata(Tears Ceremony?) haha. thinking that i am the first person to start crying and make others cry with me. i am proud to say that i have done my job well. haha. what? it is the last joy conference! it should be sad. if others are too macho to shed tears. allow me to take the honour. and sorry guys, the cry-baby stage is mine. haha.
i may look strong outside. with the terrorist-look face(what? my passport photo proves that) and the cynical sharp straight-forward words jumping out from my mouth. but i am as soft as... err... nothing i've ever see when it involves separation. yeah. it might be okay to feel free as you release your responsibilities to your kids seeing them growing to the you one year ago. but it might no be the same as each and everyone of u. my soft(soft? *puke) heart can't stand that. i thought that i can actually survive that afternoon TC when i let Ammar ibn Adnan handle the ceremony when i am actually the camp commander. but i made a wrong calculation there. i can't stand the pressure. not strong enough.
i started my words with the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. giving salaam for an introductory. then i started my first paragraph of speech. i apologize everyone for i can't handle separation. because i hate them. and then suddenly. wait. what the heck is flowing out?! i tried to speak. but i can't. my jaw shivers as i tried to speak. i took a deep breath to cool myself.(wait? i'm already cool) i let my breath go away. move my lups. and there it goes again. i can't possibly speak.... well.. i am bounded to not to write anymore. all my speeches and others thoughts are for that moment and for those people only. hell yeah. its a secret. haha.
and till then. will keep menconteng dinding blig dengan rapuan di malam hari. kamoo! doakan saya agar terus tsabat. amin. saya doakan kamoo juga. amin.